Don’t you wish you could just plug the plug on those annoying power struggles? Perhaps there is a way.
Here’s the thing. Kids are in it to win it. They are all in when it comes to fighting for their way. And the reality is parents are consumed with other concerns as well. Power struggles exhaust the already depleted and wear parent but they energize the child.
It has helped me to understand the why of power struggles. I am better equipped to deal with or even prevent them.
- Just ‘cuz. Just ‘cuz that is how we are all wired. One of our most basic needs is the need for freedom and independence. We need opportunities to make decisions for ourselves. Of course as parents we know our end goal is to work our mom (or dad)-selves out of a job. We want our kids to be able to manage life on their own. So…we need to provide appropriate times for our kids to make some good (and some bad) decisions under the safety of our roof. When our kiddos declare, “You treat me like a baby” or “I am 16 you know…” those are little hints for us to loosen our parent control a bit (maybe not as much as our kids may want but probably a little bit more than we would like).
- Wants. Like all people, kids want their way. Sometimes that’s okay, other times it is not in their or another’s best interest. Once they view mom or dad as an obstacle to what they want–the boxing gloves go on. Personally I don’t want to enter the ring. The best way to avoid being the opponent is to be on the same side of the ropes. How can one avoid jumping into the fight but still say no? By agreeably opposing,“I would love to say yes to getting you that toy. When we get home let’s create a Wish List for your birthday.” Or even better, “Let’s put our heads together and we can figure out some ways for you to earn money to buy it yourself.”
- Reason. Some kids actually have a reason for putting up a fuss. Consider this: The child who builds 3/4 ths of his vision for his Lego City and then he has to put it away before leaving the house. Or the pre-pubescent girl who doesn’t want to wear the jeans her mom laid out but wants to wear the sweats with elastic waste-band instead. Recognizing the uniqueness of our child will prevent a few melt downs. Work with the child who wants to see his creation to fruition. Give your developing kid the ability to make some clothing choices (within reason).
- We ignite the fuse. Yep. Sometimes it is our fault. When acting in an abrupt manner, like flipping off the TV or declaring, “It’s time to leave” without a warning. When we exasperate our children with impossible expectations (rather than challenging or high expectations) we can expect a POWER SURGE.
The way to pull the plug on power struggles is to control the things we can: our words, our emotions, and the general tone of the home. By doing these things and recognizing we are raising kids to hopefully be responsible adults then we are ready to provide opportunities for them to have some freedoms. If bad choices are made, it’s OK. Learning will take place…all in sanctuary of our homes.
Fathers do not exasperate your children.
© LoriWildenberg. All rights reserved.
About the Author
Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator, parent coach, and co-founder of 1Corinthians13 Parenting.com. She has written 6 books including Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home; The Messy Life of Parenting: Powerful and Practical Ways to Strengthen Family Connections; and her most recent book, Messy Hope: Help Your Child Overcome Anxiety, Depression, or Suicidal Ideation. Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at the MOMS Together Group on Facebook.