We want our kids to be resilient, to persevere when the going gets tough, yet often we act in ways that prevent growth in this area. We rescue, we fix, we redo, we protect, we take over. It is uncomfortable to observe our kiddos struggle. However the outcome of navigating and tackling resistance or disappointment produces the ability to meet failure without melting down, problem solve, and apply flexible thinking. They learn to not only bounce back but to bounce forward. This increases the child’s sense of responsibility and confidence. They are no longer a victim of their circumstances.
“Trials help to make Christians strong in faith…
The more the wind blows, the firmer the oak’s roots grip the soil.”
Charles Hadden Spurgeon
Here are 4 ways to increase your child’s resiliency.
Hold Back
Resist the urge to rescue too quickly or to answer for them. Your pause shows confidence in their ability to speak for themselves and to handle a difficult moment.
Disappointment is an opportunity to grow. Ask questions to get the child to think: “What could you do next?” “How can I support you without taking over?”
Our children gain confidence when they discover they can speak for themselves and are able to overcome obstacles.
Comfort your child, yet do not steal the lesson that the struggle provides.
Identity over Circumstances
Teach your child identity is more important than their circumstances. A disappointing grade, a lost friendship, or a failed attempt does not define them. Continually speak these messages: You are loved by God. You belong. God created you on purpose and for a purpose.
A person’s value does not hinge on success or failure.
When identity is rooted in Christ instead of performance, children can weather life’s storms with hope.
Speak Life
Teach and model positive and healthy self-talk by replacing discouragement with truth. Instead of: “I’ll never get this.”
Teach: “I’m still learning.” “This is hard, but I can keep trying.” “God is helping me grow.”
Failure is an important teacher.
Working through a struggle make us stronger.
Share Stories
Share your own stories of struggle, adversity, challenge, disappointment or failure. However, do not do this in the middle of the child’s struggle. We don’t want to appear as if we are discounting their pain.
Tell them about: mistakes you’ve made, prayers God answered, disappointments that shaped you, times God carried you through difficulty.
Children don’t need perfect adults; they need honest, relatable, and empathetic ones.
Your testimony gives them hope for their own journey.
This does not mean we can not come alongside, of course we should take on a supportive role in the hard times. We need to be there as they work through hard things, speaking encouraging words, demonstrating confidence in their abilty to work through the challenge.
Strengthen your child’s roots by holding back, reinforcing their identity, speaking life giving messages, and sharing your stories. The wind will blow as your child grows so give them opportunities to grow deep and strong.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4
If you would like more ideas on increasing your child’s resiliency and hope pick up your copy of the award winning Messy Hope: Help Your Child Overcome Anxiety, Depression, or Suicidal Ideation. 
